Forgiveness is
remembering
to act with
a stranger
akin to a friend:
by letting their mistake
be held
by the waves of our
compassion
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Sunday, April 13, 2014
the culture of grief - triggered feeling of loss
As I witnessed two of my friends lose a child a year and a half ago, as an observer, I had the privilege to see the detrimental [lack of] knowledge of how to handle grief. With all the empathy in my heart, I struggled every day to find words to express my condolences. Words failed me. A part of me knew undeniably that I could NOT understand DEEP DOWN what loss really was.
Fast forward. March 2014.
After an unassisted miscarriage of Eden, my 10 week pregnancy, in my private bathroom, it hit me. I was beginning to understand what loss is. First, physically. Then, emotionally... and perhaps finally, spiritually.
The physicality of absence was not the hardest: I could hold in my hand my perfect placenta, amniotic sac and baby in my hand. I could leave him/her in my private bathroom, with a candle on, unable to separate fully from my sweet smallest creation. The thought of burying my child was unconceivable - especially in four feet of snow. I had an excuse to keep him/her nearby. Eventually... I knew I'd have to do something. Babies don't keep forever in this way. I thus decided to create my own ritual with salt and flowers, and essential oils, in hopes of drying what was left of my pregnancy. Hard times where my heart could have imploded. Then, we had a funeral. As we couldn't bury our child, we put him/her in a pouch [which still sits under my pillow - an improvement from carrying it around everywhere.]
The emotional [also hormonal] aspect of loss is misunderstood. Almost a month after, I still have good days - and I have days of feeling lost. My biggest fear is that Eden will be forgotten. Or that [we] will pretend it never happened. I cannot bear that thought - I want him/her in my blood, womb, in my skin. I want it written all over me: Eden was here, and will be forever missed. Not a day goes by without a thought for Eden - and for the possibilities of Eden on earth.
I am not sure I can grasp the spiritual aspect of loss. There is a presence that hovers over me, with me at all times, yet there is a lack of in my heart. Those days, I just want to be held - and be aloud to cry on your shoulder. One never heals this loss - one just lives with it. Forever.
Fast forward. March 2014.
After an unassisted miscarriage of Eden, my 10 week pregnancy, in my private bathroom, it hit me. I was beginning to understand what loss is. First, physically. Then, emotionally... and perhaps finally, spiritually.
The physicality of absence was not the hardest: I could hold in my hand my perfect placenta, amniotic sac and baby in my hand. I could leave him/her in my private bathroom, with a candle on, unable to separate fully from my sweet smallest creation. The thought of burying my child was unconceivable - especially in four feet of snow. I had an excuse to keep him/her nearby. Eventually... I knew I'd have to do something. Babies don't keep forever in this way. I thus decided to create my own ritual with salt and flowers, and essential oils, in hopes of drying what was left of my pregnancy. Hard times where my heart could have imploded. Then, we had a funeral. As we couldn't bury our child, we put him/her in a pouch [which still sits under my pillow - an improvement from carrying it around everywhere.]
The emotional [also hormonal] aspect of loss is misunderstood. Almost a month after, I still have good days - and I have days of feeling lost. My biggest fear is that Eden will be forgotten. Or that [we] will pretend it never happened. I cannot bear that thought - I want him/her in my blood, womb, in my skin. I want it written all over me: Eden was here, and will be forever missed. Not a day goes by without a thought for Eden - and for the possibilities of Eden on earth.
I am not sure I can grasp the spiritual aspect of loss. There is a presence that hovers over me, with me at all times, yet there is a lack of in my heart. Those days, I just want to be held - and be aloud to cry on your shoulder. One never heals this loss - one just lives with it. Forever.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Holding on to a trend: the use of ultrasound in pregnancy
Published in "Birth and Babies" volume 1. Spring 2012.
The use of ultrasound has become common practice in pregnancy and delivery ~ so common that providers often don’t think to discuss its use. However, a large body of research questions its safety.
In her book Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering, Sarah Buckley, MD. devotes a whole chapter to the subject, titled: Ultrasound Scans ~ Cause for Concern, where she points out the reality of its use: "[...] it is important to realize that ultrasound technology is very new and relatively untested, in terms of safety" (p. 78). (1)
In his article Ultrasound, More Harm Than Good, Marsden Wagner speaks of the dangers of ultrasonography and the unknown of its effects. (2)
In Journal of Nurse-Midwifery, Doris Haire writes:
“There is a growing concern among consumers and health care providers that the immediate benefits of diagnostic ultrasound used in obstetrics may not outweigh the potential risks. Dr. Melvin E. Stratmeyer, of the Center for Devices and Radiologic Health (CDRH), recently confirmed an earlier statement by the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) that expressed the following concerns: Increasing concern has arisen regarding the fetal safety of widely used diagnostic ultrasound in obstetrics. Animal studies have been reported to reveal delayed neuromuscular development, altered emotional behavior, EEG changes, anomalies, and decreased survival. Genetic alterations have also been demonstrated in in vitro systems. Millions of women and their unborn children are being exposed to diagnostic ultrasound before the long-term effects on human development of such exposure are fully understood. [...] Fetuses are often exposed to prolonged sonography because the physician or technician lacks sufficient expertise in evaluating what be or she is seeing.” (3)
EFM (electro fetal monitor[ing])
In hospitals, the protocol usually involves the use of constant (or intermittent) electro fetal monitoring. This implies that women in labor need to sit semi-prone in bed while a tracing can be made of the fetal heart tones in relation to her contraction.
However, the research shows that: “Twenty-five years after electronic fetal monitoring became a part of intrapartum care, ... it is yet to be proved of value in predicting or preventing neurologic morbidity.” (4)
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) has issued a technical bulletin that states: “No well-controlled study has yet proved that routine scanning of all prenatal patients will improve the outcome of pregnancy.” (5)
One may ask why EFM is still part of the care in hospitals if its use is controversial and if the research realities don’t seem to show any improved outcomes, if it’s extremely uncomfortable for mother and babies (the sounds is comparative to a train driving by), let alone possibly dangerous?
In “Understanding Diagnostic Tests”, Anne Frye explains why this practice is still a trend beyond the research realities: “The problems with ultrasound are many. Unborn babies are being exposed routinely to a technology that has not been proven safe. Practitioners are becoming so dependent on the machines that they are losing their hands-on skills. As they become less and less connected with the essential process of birth, they frequently communicate fear to mother and baby about possible negative outcomes. Routine use of scanning, presented as necessary and to see "if your baby is alright" covertly and overtly implies that a scan can absolutely rule out fetal variations and defects. Women and families are led to believe that modern technology can guarantee them a perfect baby. It is imperative that as midwives we counter this worldwide cultural trend by being very clear with clients about the risks, benefits and deficiencies of ultrasound exam procedures and by emphasizing that no one can guarantee anything in life or in birth. Parents must be told in no uncertain terms that scans look for specific defects and that it is unrealistic to expect detection of all fetal anomalies regardless of the methods used and the stage of pregnancy when the exam takes place, even with the most exert ad thorough scanning." (6)
Dopplers
In many practices in the US and in Canada, birth workers use dopplers to check fetal heart tones at every prenatal visit. Many providers don’t mention that the doppler is an ultrasound, thus failing to inform women of an important choice. In Understanding Diagnostic Tests, Anne Frye writes: "In general, fetuses move away from the Doppler beam. Many midwives have concluded that babies don't like them and certainly if Doppler is audible, this could explain fetal aversion as well. [...] However, unlike imaging ultrasound, Doppler devices are always ‘on’, emitting radiation. Continuous wave devices receive and analyze the echoes constantly, and are often used for many hours at a time." (6)
There is a place for intervention, and there is a place for close monitoring. However, automatic monitoring of a normal function such as a normal pregnancy and birth may bring dramatic consequences for babies. Like many technologies, we just DON'T KNOW the long terms effect of ultrasounds on babies ~ we can only speculate. In doubt, I opt to pass, and will go for the old fetoscope. At least, I KNOW I'm not hurting any babies.
The use of ultrasound has become common practice in pregnancy and delivery ~ so common that providers often don’t think to discuss its use. However, a large body of research questions its safety.
In her book Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering, Sarah Buckley, MD. devotes a whole chapter to the subject, titled: Ultrasound Scans ~ Cause for Concern, where she points out the reality of its use: "[...] it is important to realize that ultrasound technology is very new and relatively untested, in terms of safety" (p. 78). (1)
In his article Ultrasound, More Harm Than Good, Marsden Wagner speaks of the dangers of ultrasonography and the unknown of its effects. (2)
In Journal of Nurse-Midwifery, Doris Haire writes:
“There is a growing concern among consumers and health care providers that the immediate benefits of diagnostic ultrasound used in obstetrics may not outweigh the potential risks. Dr. Melvin E. Stratmeyer, of the Center for Devices and Radiologic Health (CDRH), recently confirmed an earlier statement by the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) that expressed the following concerns: Increasing concern has arisen regarding the fetal safety of widely used diagnostic ultrasound in obstetrics. Animal studies have been reported to reveal delayed neuromuscular development, altered emotional behavior, EEG changes, anomalies, and decreased survival. Genetic alterations have also been demonstrated in in vitro systems. Millions of women and their unborn children are being exposed to diagnostic ultrasound before the long-term effects on human development of such exposure are fully understood. [...] Fetuses are often exposed to prolonged sonography because the physician or technician lacks sufficient expertise in evaluating what be or she is seeing.” (3)
EFM (electro fetal monitor[ing])
In hospitals, the protocol usually involves the use of constant (or intermittent) electro fetal monitoring. This implies that women in labor need to sit semi-prone in bed while a tracing can be made of the fetal heart tones in relation to her contraction.
However, the research shows that: “Twenty-five years after electronic fetal monitoring became a part of intrapartum care, ... it is yet to be proved of value in predicting or preventing neurologic morbidity.” (4)
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) has issued a technical bulletin that states: “No well-controlled study has yet proved that routine scanning of all prenatal patients will improve the outcome of pregnancy.” (5)
One may ask why EFM is still part of the care in hospitals if its use is controversial and if the research realities don’t seem to show any improved outcomes, if it’s extremely uncomfortable for mother and babies (the sounds is comparative to a train driving by), let alone possibly dangerous?
In “Understanding Diagnostic Tests”, Anne Frye explains why this practice is still a trend beyond the research realities: “The problems with ultrasound are many. Unborn babies are being exposed routinely to a technology that has not been proven safe. Practitioners are becoming so dependent on the machines that they are losing their hands-on skills. As they become less and less connected with the essential process of birth, they frequently communicate fear to mother and baby about possible negative outcomes. Routine use of scanning, presented as necessary and to see "if your baby is alright" covertly and overtly implies that a scan can absolutely rule out fetal variations and defects. Women and families are led to believe that modern technology can guarantee them a perfect baby. It is imperative that as midwives we counter this worldwide cultural trend by being very clear with clients about the risks, benefits and deficiencies of ultrasound exam procedures and by emphasizing that no one can guarantee anything in life or in birth. Parents must be told in no uncertain terms that scans look for specific defects and that it is unrealistic to expect detection of all fetal anomalies regardless of the methods used and the stage of pregnancy when the exam takes place, even with the most exert ad thorough scanning." (6)
Dopplers
In many practices in the US and in Canada, birth workers use dopplers to check fetal heart tones at every prenatal visit. Many providers don’t mention that the doppler is an ultrasound, thus failing to inform women of an important choice. In Understanding Diagnostic Tests, Anne Frye writes: "In general, fetuses move away from the Doppler beam. Many midwives have concluded that babies don't like them and certainly if Doppler is audible, this could explain fetal aversion as well. [...] However, unlike imaging ultrasound, Doppler devices are always ‘on’, emitting radiation. Continuous wave devices receive and analyze the echoes constantly, and are often used for many hours at a time." (6)
There is a place for intervention, and there is a place for close monitoring. However, automatic monitoring of a normal function such as a normal pregnancy and birth may bring dramatic consequences for babies. Like many technologies, we just DON'T KNOW the long terms effect of ultrasounds on babies ~ we can only speculate. In doubt, I opt to pass, and will go for the old fetoscope. At least, I KNOW I'm not hurting any babies.
(1) Sarah Buckley. (2005). Ultrasounds: cause for concern. Retrieved from: http://www.sarahbuckley.com/ultrasound-scans-cause-for-concern/
(2) Marsden Wagner. (1999). Ultrasound: more harm than good? Retrieved from: http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/ultrasoundwagner.asp
(3) Journal of Nurse-Midwifery Vol. 29, No. 4 July/August 1984
(4) Rosen and Dickinson (1993. In Henci Goer. Obstetric Myths Versus Research Realities, p. 131.
(5) Diagnostic ultrasound In obstetrics and gynecology Tech. Bull. No. 63 American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. October 1985.
(6) Anne Frye. Understanding Diagnostic Tests, p. 919-921.
©2012 paule bezaire
(6) Anne Frye. Understanding Diagnostic Tests, p. 919-921.
©2012 paule bezaire
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
emptiness of the lonely [a post from january 2009.]
Once upon a time, in a land of exile,... the loneliness at times sets in; a time where one's language feels so far away that even the thoughts can't seem to come at all - not in one's maternal tongue, neither in the second language. It's like being in between - on the fence - not totally part of one, or the other. Not taking sides, but never belonging either.
Those times, the winter feels long - like a white plain in a cold sun, the snow reflecting painfully the light; one only wants to take cover, out of sight - a safe refuge.
Those times, one longs for one's own tongue - one's mother's tongue.
Not that living / thinking / speaking in a second language is really the worst medicine. It's more the impossibility of being really oneself that leaves an after taste, when exposed for extended periods of time.
Once, a long time ago, I thought "I want[ed] to be a glass teacup where you can see what you drinks. I want[ed] transparency."
Only in safety can one long for transparency; the impossibility of being genuinely oneself sets in when living in a strange world. When in a vulnerable universe, one can only barricade behind the wide walls of translation, can only pretend, and never ever getting any closer than the distorting glass window.
Those times, the winter feels long - like a white plain in a cold sun, the snow reflecting painfully the light; one only wants to take cover, out of sight - a safe refuge.
Those times, one longs for one's own tongue - one's mother's tongue.
Not that living / thinking / speaking in a second language is really the worst medicine. It's more the impossibility of being really oneself that leaves an after taste, when exposed for extended periods of time.
Once, a long time ago, I thought "I want[ed] to be a glass teacup where you can see what you drinks. I want[ed] transparency."
Only in safety can one long for transparency; the impossibility of being genuinely oneself sets in when living in a strange world. When in a vulnerable universe, one can only barricade behind the wide walls of translation, can only pretend, and never ever getting any closer than the distorting glass window.
humanity in becoming
[sharing a post from may 2009. still accurate, somehow...]
i am only human - with my own impatience. at times, i've cross that boundary - the one i've never wanted to cross. that one i've been working so hard not to cross - that distinction i want to have from the past, to the present, and into the future. guilt raises, yet it is unhelpful.
as a human in flux, in becoming, i long for the wisdom. for the patience. for the understanding and insight.
how much work is involved in becoming this perfect being that i long for. but only forgiveness can bring me there.
apologies, my beloved, for my shortcomings. for being more human that i wish for.
i forgive the universe itself, for being what it is, and maybe in my forgiveness, will i find the empathy for all of the beings around me, and find the patience for their own shortcomings. the patience for wisdom. the patience i need to be me.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
st john's tide and the height of the summer
In the past year or so, I have found myself in an unexpected place. Several of my friends have had losses, which have brought me to develop new abilities in my serving role. Be an early loss, a still birth, or the loss of a partner, these loses have given me the opportunity to reflect on the subject. Often: while driving; while weeding. And as I live in vermont, we do A LOT of both.
More recently, one of my friends has unexpectedly lost her husband. Two weeks later, the twins they were going to adopt were born. I have witnessed my friend going through these extreme emotions daily, navigating them at the best of her abilities, with the support she has (which is enormous, fortunately.)
Just as St John's Tide, at the height the summer, offers its buzzing outward pull, a need for peace and quiet arises. In the midsts of this euphoria, a need for outward connection while coexists a pull towards inner contemplation. A feeling arises, deep down, that I am here to serve my purpose. In the middle of the most benign task, I am remembered that through hovering in selflessness, I may reach my potential. Could I truly be at a better place than here, serving a woman, and her daughters, in joy and grief? I witness one of the painful oppositions of this earth: life and death, in close confinement, remind me daily of the dichotomies of life, and of destiny, at times felt as an absurdity.
There are no coincidences. While at a book sale, I found a book that looked interesting: "Healing into life and death". A week later, I found it on my friend's bedtime table. Perhaps it is time for the first chapter of that book...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
10 cm ~ just a metric system measure that means what?!?!?
Snowy white and sunny freezing day in these hills, and I thought i'd catch up on some reading: the midwife's thinking blog regarding anterior lips made me think a lot about birth. Ok. Perhaps it already was on my mind. Regardless, i've been thinking.
My first thought was: "How would we know there's an anterior lip?" Not that i particularly want to feel that experience (for the record, i had one in my last labor ~ and why i know is another whole theme we can explore another day...)... It made me realize that it would mean that we'd have to be checking down there, intruding fingers in a sacred place, in a very intimate gesture.
My second thought brought me back to Claire Hall's amazing blog on birth and the male mindset, and how childbirth and the mere thought of checking a cervix is a very masculine concept, one that doesn't particularly pertain to women's reality of childbirth, or the act of labor (which is more than the addition of all its components.)
This reliably brings me back to those *#@% vaginal exams: those exams that most women fear, yet that they indulge into. perhaps that was not the right word... Perhaps i should rephrase this, and say that our birth culture imposes on women a certain set of "rules", which includes the vaginal exam. However, if we think about how vaginal exams got introduced in this birth culture, we realize that it is history, and the medicalization of childbirth, with twilight sleep and babies being pulled out with forceps that first introduced vaginal exams. And that the realization that pulling on a baby before the cervix was opened at 10 cm made the forceps tore the cervix.
However, the totally irrelevance of vaginal exams is is a hard reality to face, when in labor. As we've been socialized in believing that birth is about a cervix dilating, even a well-versed homebirthing woman may be caught in the trap. When will we learn to leave well alone, as Sarah Buckley says?
It just starts at education ~ at the very culture that we live in, and changing its paradigm. Long journey ~ but there are many working at it...
Namaste on those birthing mothers...
My first thought was: "How would we know there's an anterior lip?" Not that i particularly want to feel that experience (for the record, i had one in my last labor ~ and why i know is another whole theme we can explore another day...)... It made me realize that it would mean that we'd have to be checking down there, intruding fingers in a sacred place, in a very intimate gesture.
My second thought brought me back to Claire Hall's amazing blog on birth and the male mindset, and how childbirth and the mere thought of checking a cervix is a very masculine concept, one that doesn't particularly pertain to women's reality of childbirth, or the act of labor (which is more than the addition of all its components.)
This reliably brings me back to those *#@% vaginal exams: those exams that most women fear, yet that they indulge into. perhaps that was not the right word... Perhaps i should rephrase this, and say that our birth culture imposes on women a certain set of "rules", which includes the vaginal exam. However, if we think about how vaginal exams got introduced in this birth culture, we realize that it is history, and the medicalization of childbirth, with twilight sleep and babies being pulled out with forceps that first introduced vaginal exams. And that the realization that pulling on a baby before the cervix was opened at 10 cm made the forceps tore the cervix.
However, the totally irrelevance of vaginal exams is is a hard reality to face, when in labor. As we've been socialized in believing that birth is about a cervix dilating, even a well-versed homebirthing woman may be caught in the trap. When will we learn to leave well alone, as Sarah Buckley says?
It just starts at education ~ at the very culture that we live in, and changing its paradigm. Long journey ~ but there are many working at it...
Namaste on those birthing mothers...
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