emptiness of the lonely [a post from january 2009.]

Once upon a time, in a land of exile,... the loneliness at times sets in; a time where one's language feels so far away that even the thoughts can't seem to come at all - not in one's maternal tongue, neither in the second language. It's like being in between - on the fence - not totally part of one, or the other. Not taking sides, but never belonging either.

Those times, the winter feels long - like a white plain in a cold sun, the snow reflecting painfully the light; one only wants to take cover, out of sight - a safe refuge.

Those times, one longs for one's own tongue - one's mother's tongue.

Not that living / thinking / speaking in a second language is really the worst medicine. It's more the impossibility of being really oneself that leaves an after taste, when exposed for extended periods of time.

Once, a long time ago, I thought "I want[ed] to be a glass teacup where you can see what you drinks. I want[ed] transparency."

Only in safety can one long for transparency; the impossibility of being genuinely oneself sets in when living in a strange world. When in a vulnerable universe, one can only barricade behind the wide walls of translation, can only pretend, and never ever getting any closer than the distorting glass window.

humanity in becoming

[sharing a post from may 2009. still accurate, somehow...]

i am only human - with my own impatience. at times, i've cross that boundary - the one i've never wanted to cross. that one i've been working so hard not to cross - that distinction i want to have from the past, to the present, and into the future. guilt raises, yet it is unhelpful.

as a human in flux, in becoming, i long for the wisdom. for the patience. for the understanding and insight.

how much work is involved in becoming this perfect being that i long for. but only forgiveness can bring me there.

apologies, my beloved, for my shortcomings. for being more human that i wish for.

i forgive the universe itself, for being what it is, and maybe in my forgiveness, will i find the empathy for all of the beings around me, and find the patience for their own shortcomings. the patience for wisdom. the patience i need to be me.

st john's tide and the height of the summer

In the past year or so, I have found myself in an unexpected place. Several of my friends have had losses, which have brought me to develop new abilities in my serving role. Be an early loss, a still birth, or the loss of a partner, these loses have given me the opportunity to reflect on the subject. Often: while driving; while weeding. And as I live in vermont, we do A LOT of both.

More recently, one of my friends has unexpectedly lost her husband. Two weeks later, the twins they were going to adopt were born. I have witnessed my friend going through these extreme emotions daily, navigating them at the best of her abilities, with the support she has (which is enormous, fortunately.)

Just as St John's Tide, at the height the summer, offers its buzzing outward pull, a need for peace and quiet arises. In the midsts of this euphoria, a need for outward connection while coexists a pull towards inner contemplation. A feeling arises, deep down, that I am here to serve my purpose. In the middle of the most benign task, I am remembered that through hovering in selflessness, I may reach my potential. Could I truly be at a better place than here, serving a woman, and her daughters, in joy and grief? I witness one of the painful oppositions of this earth: life and death, in close confinement, remind me daily of the dichotomies of life, and of destiny, at times felt as an absurdity.

There are no coincidences. While at a book sale, I found a book that looked interesting: "Healing into life and death". A week later, I found it on my friend's bedtime table. Perhaps it is time for the first chapter of that book...

10 cm ~ just a metric system measure that means what?!?!?

Snowy white and sunny freezing day in these hills, and I thought i'd catch up on some reading: the midwife's thinking blog regarding anterior lips made me think a lot about birth. Ok. Perhaps it already was on my mind. Regardless, i've been thinking.

My first thought was: "How would we know there's an anterior lip?" Not that i particularly want to feel that experience (for the record, i had one in my last labor ~ and why i know is another whole theme we can explore another day...)... It made me realize that it would mean that we'd have to be checking down there, intruding fingers in a sacred place, in a very intimate gesture.

My second thought brought me back to Claire Hall's amazing blog on birth and the male mindset, and how childbirth and the mere thought of checking a cervix is a very masculine concept, one that doesn't particularly pertain to women's reality of childbirth, or the act of labor (which is more than the addition of all its components.)

This reliably brings me back to those *#@% vaginal exams: those exams that most women fear, yet that they indulge into. perhaps that was not the right word... Perhaps i should rephrase this, and say that our birth culture imposes on women a certain set of "rules", which includes the vaginal exam. However, if we think about how vaginal exams got introduced in this birth culture, we realize that it is history, and the medicalization of childbirth, with twilight sleep and babies being pulled out with forceps that first introduced vaginal exams. And that the realization that pulling on a baby before the cervix was opened at 10 cm made the forceps tore the cervix.

However, the totally irrelevance of vaginal exams is is a hard reality to face, when in labor. As we've been socialized in believing that birth is about a cervix dilating, even a well-versed homebirthing woman may be caught in the trap. When will we learn to leave well alone, as Sarah Buckley says?

It just starts at education ~ at the very culture that we live in, and changing its paradigm. Long journey ~ but there are many working at it...

Namaste on those birthing mothers...

pregnancy is not a disease: nutrition for gestation

Pregnancy is the only moment in a woman's life where she is potentially probed and pricked in health. She is scrutinized for all the potential complications that could happen, should she deviate from the "norm".

One of the things to be noticed is that all the focus and energy is spent on the "what ifs" and on disease, rather than focusing what a woman can do for her health and the well-being and that of her baby. One of the most important part of prenatal care is what a woman does for herself, mainly in the area of emotional, spiritual, psychological, and yes, physical well-being.

In terms of physical well-being, exercise is an important factor to remember, and so is nutrition. In Holistic Midwifery (vol. 1), Anne Frye writes: "Adequate nutrition is the single most important physical factor in determining the outcome of pregnancy." (p. 204) On his part, Tom Brewer, M.D., writes: "On my list of concerns about my pregnant patients' welfare, nutrition ranks second only to breathing. The reason is simple: well-nourished women develop far fewer complications in pregnancy, have more efficient labors, and give birth more easily to healthier babies than do their poorly nourished sisters.” (http://www.drbrewerpregnancydiet.com/id94.html

Too often, women are stuck to a number ~ that of pounds to gain ~ or to the societal obsession of weight gain and its pressure of "beauty". In pregnancy, however, the weight gain is primordial for baby's growth ~ not only physical growth, but also development, including the brain.

Proper nourishment not only insures proper development of a baby's potential, but it is also protective: it "allows the blood volume to expand adequately, preventing toxemia and bringing the mother and baby to labor with the maximum reserves for withstanding the stress of birth." (Holistic Midwifery 1, p. 204) Or as Dr. Tom Brewer writes: “[nutrition] is an insurance policy, a form of protection against some of the most common and most serious problems that could befall you or your unborn baby--those caused by poor nutrition.” (http://www.drbrewerpregnancydiet.com/id94.html)

Instead of counting a woman's weight gain in pounds, can we start calculating it in grams of love, commitment, faithfulness to her health... and trust in her body?

bearing witness and birth healing

A little update may be needed since the summer post. Life has been full in Vermont ~ between studies, apprenticeships, birth support, placenta encapsulation, child birth education... Fullness!

Regardless, there is still desire to tell the truth: birth is safe. Especially when not hindered and interfered with by a provider.

Something else I've witnessed in the past few days: we all have our birth stories, and are eager to heal.

As I taught a CBE class last week, I found myself with a client and her educator. As I went through the information I had gathered for this purpose, I realized that the educator, who had gone through the childbirth process four months ago, had not processed her birth. Sadly, there was a need that could not be met in this forum, as I could not bear witness while trying to teach.

O, how do we need such a service for women and families... Perhaps this should be a new title to add to my competencies: bearing witness and birth healing...