the falling leaves and their melancholy

did i read this somewhere - in one of steiner’s lectures, or another anthroposophic reading - or is there something melancholic about autumn? four seasons, four elements, … four temperaments?

winter, with all of the earth’s energy turned inwards, is a season for flegmatism - a season of slowing down, and doing by the fireside.

spring, with its vitality and excitement, is a season where growth is started, of new beginnings, of sanguine energy.

summer brings all the will into doing, the choleric strength to its power - and accomplishing all. the earth’s energy is at its outward peak at st john’s tide, the height of summer and of celebration.

but fall… autumn brings balance to the cycle with the melancholy of the colors change [the foliage as tourist like to call it in Vermont], the knowledge that winter is coming, and the slowing down of rhythm.

maybe my birth at the beginning of the fall has something to do with my emotions - or maybe its a reminescence [memory] of a past life… but autumn always bring my melancholic temperament to its height. the colors are always soooooo beautiful, it is always sooooooo wonderful to be alive and seeing it - and being in it - in de midst of the color.

if i had anything to do with it, i’d like to die in the fall - and be buried in the colorful foliage of our compost pile.

late at night, that feeling of solitude

late at night comes a sense of solitude - when quiet comes about, and all are sleeping, a sense of aloneness. even when all are here, all four of them, little ones asleep in a bed or another.

being in this solitude makes me alive, somehow. longing for solitude? something i had never experienced before.

funny that. that being submerged by otherness, i might learn to be me - alone. and enjoy that.

irony. when i’ve tried to be with others all along, that i can finally enjoy being alone. when i’ve wanted to be warmed by the sun, that i can enjoy coolness of the shadow and darkness of the unknown.

human beings are not single or simple - they are dichotomies of our world. splitting themselves in oppositions, hard to follow.

i must just be one of those too, then…

being, really

as i watch the headlines, i get troubled. the fast-paced evolution we have been witnessing is mind-boggling. we are in a time of change - evolution. that’s good, right? or is it?

speed is about the only relevance found, these days. no time or space for just being [what's that?!?] for be-coming. personal growth? on your own time. family time? on the week-ends, if there is, time.

mind-puzzling. yet we see more and more incidence of mental health issues, body struggles… body and mind are compromised - let alone the soul. [soul? what's that?]

i find that the faster i go, the more i lose myself - lose contact with my higher-self - the essence of who i am. my archetype [in other words]. so i find myself acting too fast, in the fast lane, with another self. “life is a highway, i wanna ride it all night long…” (Tom Cochran)

well, night becomes morning, eventually. and maybe i’m just waking up to a new day with a darn headache. i don’t want to “burn the candle by the two ends” [as we say in french]. i want to be. myself. on my own.

is that a possibility, even?